Navigating a Difficult Conversation

A parent is grappling with when to inform their children, ages 7 and 9, about their brother-in-law’s incarceration. The brother-in-law was convicted of murder four years ago and is serving a life sentence. Currently, the children enjoy regular video visits with their uncle, unaware that he is in prison.

Children Are Asking Questions

The parent expresses concern that the children are beginning to question their uncle’s prolonged absence. Their son has repeatedly asked why his uncle hasn’t come home. The parent is hesitant to lie but also fears the children are too young to understand the full gravity of the situation.

Expert: They're Ready for Clarity

Jeanette Betancourt, an early childhood learning expert and senior vice president of U.S. social impact for Sesame Workshop, advises that the children are not too young to understand. She emphasizes that their questions indicate they are ready for more clarity. Avoiding a clear explanation can lead to confusion and growing concern.

How to Explain Incarceration

Betancourt suggests a simple explanation appropriate for 7 to 9-year-olds. “Grownups have rules,” she explains. “Incarceration is when a grown-up has broken those rules. The consequences of breaking those rules mean being in prison.” This approach provides a basic understanding without overwhelming details.

Maintaining Connection is Key

Following the explanation, Betancourt stresses the importance of planning for continued communication. Research shows that approved and coordinated contact with an incarcerated relative can significantly reduce anxiety in children. The focus should be on maintaining a connection, not solely on the imprisonment itself.

Managing Expectations and Communication

Encourage children to share what they want – drawings, school stories, or anything else. However, be prepared to explain why communication might be limited and that video visits are special occasions. It’s crucial to avoid speaking negatively about the incarcerated individual.

A Unified Approach

Betancourt emphasizes the importance of a unified front. “You and your partner and in-laws should all agree that the video visits are a positive experience for your children, so don't take out anger or have adult conversations during your interactions with your brother-in-law in front of your children.” This consistency protects the children by providing information and connection in a safe and ongoing manner.