Couples Devon and Nico Hase are sharing insights on integrating deep spiritual practice with the realities of romantic partnership. They recently released a new book addressing how mindfulness profoundly impacts love and coupling.

The Urgency Behind Their New Book

The Hases observed a widespread pattern in their teaching environments. Many individuals attempt to aggressively fix, optimize, or avoid relationship difficulties, which often increases their suffering.

They noted that modern society bombards people with images of flawless partnerships, contrasting sharply with ordinary struggles. The core message they promote is that difficulty is not a failure sign, but rather fertile ground for love to deepen.

Buddhist Wisdom as a Relational Lens

As longtime Buddhist teachers, they find that Buddhist wisdom, particularly the principle of impermanence woven into all experience, offers a liberating perspective on relationship challenges.

The most practical takeaway they emphasize is discerning when to cease trying to fix a partner versus when genuine, helpful feedback is necessary. Their work encourages taking full responsibility for one's inner life while navigating shared challenges.

The Practice of Authentic Listening

A key skill they teach is how to truly listen. This means listening not to formulate a response, fix the issue, or wait for a turn to speak, but to genuinely receive what the other person is communicating. They assert that mastering this skill alone can transform a relationship.

Forging a Path of Awakening Together

Devon, a graduate of the Insight Meditation Society’s Teacher Training Program with 25 years of practice, and Nico, who holds a PhD in counseling psychology and studied Zen and Tibetan Buddhism, met nearly two decades ago.

Devon recounted meeting Nico while she was at a Tibetan retreat center and he was living as a Zen monk in the Colorado mountains. Initially, both felt they were unsuitable for dating due to their intense commitment to meditation paths.

Partnership as a Spiritual Arena

Their commitment, even upon marriage, centered on being partners in awakening. They believe a relationship must be more than just a conventional connection to sustain their paths.

Nico posed a reflective question for readers: What is the ultimate purpose of your life? If the goal is cultivating heart qualities like love, compassion, joy, and equanimity, then partnership becomes an essential training ground.

The inherent 'heat' and challenge within a relationship can be utilized to grow one's capacity for balance and calm, thus integrating the partnership directly into one's path of growth.

Navigating Spiritual Bypassing

The Hases address the tendency among those on a self-realization path to spiritualize or deflect messy, difficult emotions, often using concepts like oneness to avoid conflict.

Using Your Partner as a Mirror

They identify spiritual bypassing as pushing aside difficult emotions or attachments to a specific identity. This behavior is often subtle to the individual but obvious to others.

The best mirror for identifying one's own stuck points is a life partner—the person present daily who witnesses one's habits most closely. The Hases strive to be each other's best accountability partners, calling out bypassing when it occurs.

The Game-Changing 'Check-In' Practice

They utilize partner exercises detailed in their book, including a simple yet transformative 'checking in' method. This involves alternating five-minute periods where one person speaks while the other listens.

The listener's sole role is to listen with warm awareness (mindfulness), offering minimal encouragement like nodding or saying, “Yes, I hear you,” but adding no personal input.

This process allows the speaker to access deeper emotional layers through the safety of being witnessed. Simultaneously, the listener gains profound insight into their partner's true thoughts and feelings.