Understanding the Weight of Absence

Sometimes, the presence of a loved one's absence feels more overwhelming than their physical absence alone. For the author, the loss of his son, Rob, often manifested in sudden, intense waves of grief that could be triggered by anything—a conversation with his ex-wife Caryn, a question about his children, or even a quiet moment under the clouds.

These moments of sorrow can strike at any time, whether it is the silence of an early morning, the emptiness of a passenger seat, or the quiet of the night. The author notes that this feeling of profound loneliness is a universal experience for many bereaved parents who long to hold their children once more.

Processing the Depth of Loss

The author’s primary advice to other grieving parents is to fully embrace the depth of their loss. He suggests that allowing the grief to seep into one's bones is a necessary step in facing the fear of the unknown. However, he also emphasizes that one does not need to remain trapped in that darkness indefinitely.

When the weight of Rob's absence became too heavy, the author attempted to shift his perspective by focusing on happy memories. He often reflects on a specific Christmas shortly before Rob died by suicide, when he and his other son, Zach, spent a joyful weekend together. This memory serves as a guiding light, reminding him of a time when the family was whole.

Choosing How to Coexist with Grief

A significant turning point occurred about a year after Rob's death, when the author realized he had the agency to choose how he lived with his grief. He discovered that he did not need to suffer to maintain a loving connection with his son. Letting go of the pain did not mean letting go of Rob.

This epiphany allowed him to move forward and begin a new chapter in his life. Now, more than seven years after his son's passing, the author feels only Rob's presence. He continues to talk, laugh, and cry with him, viewing his son as someone who is neither present nor absent, but simply always there.