A reader recently wrote to advice columnist R. Eric Thomas, expressing shock and hurt after discovering a deeply personal story about their childhood revealed in their brother’s newly released book.

Unexpected Disclosure in Book Acknowledgments

The reader explained they were browsing the online sample of their brother’s book when they came across a mention of an incident that had been a source of trouble for years. They had been attending therapy for years to process the experience.

“It was very shocking to read this, and it caused a couple nights of no sleep,” the reader wrote. They admitted to losing their temper when discussing the issue with their brother, raising their voice in frustration. While the brother later offered a text apology, the reader felt it lacked sincerity.

The brother only referred to the reader as “my older brother” when detailing the incident in the book’s acknowledgments, even taking the time to acknowledge his dogs. The reader questioned whether they were wrong to want a warning before the book’s release, and a chance to voice their concerns.

Columnist: A Duty as a Sibling and Writer

R. Eric Thomas responded emphatically, stating the brother “owed you a heads-up at the very least.” He argued the brother should have sought permission before sharing something personal, even if it wasn’t considered highly sensitive.

“He failed in his duty as a writer and as a sibling, and by not offering a meaningful apology, he made it worse,” Thomas wrote. He emphasized the right to control one’s own narrative and timing. He noted that even in a memoir, a writer should discuss potentially sensitive material with those involved beforehand.

Thomas acknowledged the reader’s improved emotional state and suggested they might choose to move forward. However, he encouraged them to revisit the issue with their brother if they felt it necessary, potentially seeking changes to electronic copies or future editions.

Estranged Sibling's Hostile Behavior

The columnist also addressed a separate question from a reader regarding an estranged brother. The reader, 11 years older than her brother, described a significant shift in his behavior, marked by political animosity and aggressive communication.

Despite blocking her messages, the reader sent a simple birthday wish via email, which was met with a “raging” response filled with obscenities and threats. The reader speculated that recent surgeries might be affecting her brother’s brain, and questioned whether his wife might be influencing his anger.

Limited Possibility for Reconciliation

Thomas cautioned against attempting to defuse the situation, stating it wasn’t the reader’s responsibility, especially given the history of “vicious attacks.” He suggested analyzing the root of the brother’s anger and whether any amends could be made, but noted his behavior indicated a lack of desire for connection.

Thomas advised the reader to consider reaching out to her brother’s wife to express concern, but to proceed with caution, acknowledging the brother might not be receptive to any form of contact.

Questions for R. Eric Thomas can be sent to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.